nothing's bruised except my ego

another day of false labor yesterday. and yes, i know you're not "supposed" to call it "false labor" because it's still getting your body ready for labor so it's still productive and blah blah blah. but in my opinion, "false labor" gets taken more seriously than "practice contractions" and so that's what i'm calling it.

anyway, don't worry, i'm still completely comfortable physically (unfortunately). this is something i didn't really understand about pregnancy before. physically, at least for me, it really hasn't been all that uncomfortable at all. i mean, yeah, rolling over in bed is a major pain and bending over has now turned into the ever-so-ladylike squatting down. there are a million little things to complain about. but what i've realized though, is that the most uncomfortable part of pregnancy is the emotional part.

i've always been a worrier by nature, so the hardest part for me throughout this pregnancy has been the anxiety. every step of the way, i've imagined the worst...when really, i've probably had one of the most normal, healthy, relatively comfortable pregnancies imaginable! but the emotional roller coaster of "what if's" have toyed with my emotions one too many times. first it was the "will we be able to conceive?" question, then the morning sickness, then the constant worries about miscarriage, then trying to keep my growing belly hidden from my clients at work, then the anatomy ultrasound, then the blood sugar and the weight gain, then the risks of pre-term labor, then the group B strep test, and now WHEN WILL MY BABY BE BORN?!?! and you know what? this baby has been so healthy and completely NORMAL this whole pregnancy, i'm seriously starting to wonder if he's just going to keep being a tease for the next week or so and then miraculously appear on his actual due date!

i'm tired of getting my hopes up, waking up with contractions and thinking "this is the day my son will be born!" it's emotionally exhausting, and each time it doesn't actually happen it just makes me feel more and more frustrated. i've been nesting and contracting and falsely getting my hopes up for over 3 weeks now and i feel drained. not to mention, i also feel more and more foolish each time i have to slink back to work to tell everyone "false alarm! no baby yet!" you'd think the veteran moms there would be more supportive and understanding, but instead i just get the "knowing" glances that make me feel completely patronized and idiotic. you know the look..."oh, bless her heart...she thought those were REAL contractions! just wait till she's actually in labor, we'll see how her 'natural labor' goes then!" why are women so darned competitive??!?! well, i guess that's another rant for another day. but anyway, i'm tired. completely physically capable to keep working and going about my normal day, but just feeling so emotionally drained. and i know none of this is going to get any easier once this little boy is born, because there will ALWAYS be things to worry about and there will ALWAYS be other moms to make me feel like an idiot.

but still. i want my baby out and i want him out now. that is all.