we're having our first fight.

yes, i am currently feeling angry at my unborn son. see, the problem is, he sees himself as completely comfortable in my belly and i disagree. my abs hurt from all the contractions (every single night) this past week, i'm frustrated that i missed out on a lot of fun things this holiday weekend so we could stay close to home "just in case", and i'm starting to feel like he just might prove everyone wrong and decide to never come out. i've found myself wondering what the world record is for "longest labor".

my friend haley mentioned the other day that she thinks a baby's labor can usually be linked to their personality later on in life. it made perfect sense to me...i was born 3-4 weeks early and i am incredibly impatient! what worries me is that this perfectly content baby boy is going to grow up to frustrate his impatient mother time and time again (not unlike his father, who is also one of the most easygoing people i've ever known!).

our health insurance is changing as of june 1, which is also making me anxious. i don't think it's going to change very much...but we all know how fun it is to receive surprise insurance bills weeks after having some kind of medical procedure! it just would have been so much easier if he'd been born today or earlier. but that doesn't look like it's in the cards right now. i've been doing all the "natural induction" methods...pineapple, spicy foods, walking...you name it, we've done it! the problem isn't that i can't get contractions to start...the problem is KEEPING THEM GOING!!

anyway, my complete state of grumpiness is now turning me into a recluse. don't be surprised if you e-mail, call, or text me and i don't respond. i just don't see the point in turning my wrath on some innocent, curious friend or bystander for now.

the answers to your questions are:
yes, i'm still pregnant
no, i'm not feeling comfortable
yes, we're very READY for this baby to be born!
no, i don't know if i'm dilated or effaced
yes, i'm still having contractions
no, there's nothing we can do to help speed this thing along to accommodate your busy schedule

now, if you're not here to bring me watermelon or some other delicious treat, you can be on your way.

39 weeks today!

still contracting. i'm basically always having contractions at this point, so no need to ask. i'm just one big, walking braxton hicks contraction.

thank you rachel for sharing this link with me. i think it sounds wonderful! really takes the weight off a new parents' shoulders when i'm sure our minds will be fuzzy and we won't really know what to ask for in those first few days. my personal favorites are the ones about cleaning out the fridge and emptying all the trash cans in the house. so practical!!

http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=34

also, i've got a chiropractic appointment scheduled for this evening, right after our 39 week check-up. i'm hoping some alignment support will help this little guy get in the right position for labor (not to mention help me sleep a little better at night with the mile-wide hips i've got going on right now!).

maybe we'll go to the zoo tomorrow for a nice, long walk?? i'm hoping the extra birthing hormones in the air from the animals will give this little guy the hint. ;-)

prep work

it's been called to my attention recently that this is the path i've chosen by wanting to go completely natural and med-free with my labor. i realized that after all of these false alarms this past week, i'm pretty sure if i was being treated in a hospital setting, they would have hooked me up to different types of monitors, realized i was in pre-labor, and then convinced me to just induce and get the whole thing over with by now. which...might not be a problem in many of your eyes, but it's just not the path i've chosen with this little guy. as frustrating as it is that my midwives don't check my cervix for dilation/effacement...and as inconvenient as it's been to already have packed my bags and mentally prepared to have my baby TODAY only to be let down on more than one occasion...and as much as my abs hurt all the time now from all of these constant contractions...it's still worth it in my mind. call me crazy, but i'm really looking to letting my body do its thing when the big day arrives. and i'm also grateful that in the meantime, my body is working well enough that it's doing all this prep work ahead of time...hopefully that means labor will be slightly easier/shorter on the actual day! at least, that's what i'm now telling myself. :-)

that being said, i officially started my maternity leave yesterday. it wasn't what i'd planned to do, but i realized that the stress and anxiety of juggling all of these contractions with my job was just getting to be too much. so here i am...day one of staying at home. i really do mean to be productive with this time off. but it's also soooo tempting to just sit around and watch movies all day until our little guy arrives! hopefully i'll be able to find a good balance of relaxation and productivity. and i hope even MORE that this little boy decides to make his grand entrance into the world very soon!!!

nothing's bruised except my ego

another day of false labor yesterday. and yes, i know you're not "supposed" to call it "false labor" because it's still getting your body ready for labor so it's still productive and blah blah blah. but in my opinion, "false labor" gets taken more seriously than "practice contractions" and so that's what i'm calling it.

anyway, don't worry, i'm still completely comfortable physically (unfortunately). this is something i didn't really understand about pregnancy before. physically, at least for me, it really hasn't been all that uncomfortable at all. i mean, yeah, rolling over in bed is a major pain and bending over has now turned into the ever-so-ladylike squatting down. there are a million little things to complain about. but what i've realized though, is that the most uncomfortable part of pregnancy is the emotional part.

i've always been a worrier by nature, so the hardest part for me throughout this pregnancy has been the anxiety. every step of the way, i've imagined the worst...when really, i've probably had one of the most normal, healthy, relatively comfortable pregnancies imaginable! but the emotional roller coaster of "what if's" have toyed with my emotions one too many times. first it was the "will we be able to conceive?" question, then the morning sickness, then the constant worries about miscarriage, then trying to keep my growing belly hidden from my clients at work, then the anatomy ultrasound, then the blood sugar and the weight gain, then the risks of pre-term labor, then the group B strep test, and now WHEN WILL MY BABY BE BORN?!?! and you know what? this baby has been so healthy and completely NORMAL this whole pregnancy, i'm seriously starting to wonder if he's just going to keep being a tease for the next week or so and then miraculously appear on his actual due date!

i'm tired of getting my hopes up, waking up with contractions and thinking "this is the day my son will be born!" it's emotionally exhausting, and each time it doesn't actually happen it just makes me feel more and more frustrated. i've been nesting and contracting and falsely getting my hopes up for over 3 weeks now and i feel drained. not to mention, i also feel more and more foolish each time i have to slink back to work to tell everyone "false alarm! no baby yet!" you'd think the veteran moms there would be more supportive and understanding, but instead i just get the "knowing" glances that make me feel completely patronized and idiotic. you know the look..."oh, bless her heart...she thought those were REAL contractions! just wait till she's actually in labor, we'll see how her 'natural labor' goes then!" why are women so darned competitive??!?! well, i guess that's another rant for another day. but anyway, i'm tired. completely physically capable to keep working and going about my normal day, but just feeling so emotionally drained. and i know none of this is going to get any easier once this little boy is born, because there will ALWAYS be things to worry about and there will ALWAYS be other moms to make me feel like an idiot.

but still. i want my baby out and i want him out now. that is all.

pregnancy used to be fun

38 weeks -
ugh, i just need to vent today. i've been having pretty consistent cramping (like the feeling before you get your period) since yesterday around 2 PM. at 5:30, i had a sudden extreme bout of restlessness so tyler and i took a nice, quick-paced walk around the neighborhood (i haven't walked that fast since before i got pregnant!). hoping it would bring on some actual contractions, i also bounced on my birth ball for about an hour or so (which caused some definite pain, but still no contractions). i went to bed feeling like maybe the baby had dropped a little lower. but other than that, no real signs of progress yet...just lots of cramps and general discomfort.

and the moodiness!!!! i'm extremely tired today and i just don't feel like being around people one bit. i'm tired of these stupid maternity clothes (and the heat isn't making it any easier), i'm tired of the constant guessing game (will this sudden pain lead to full-blown contractions?), and i'm tired of the rude and ridiculous comments i get from total strangers (either "wow, you're about to pop!" or "oh, you've still got a while left"), none of which have been helping me feel any more patient or relaxed about this baby's timing! i've had people tell me not to let my water break on them (um, like i have a choice?) and i'm absolutely LOVING the "you're STILL pregnant?!" comments! in the beginning of this pregnancy, i thought things might be a little easier at the end if i just didn't tell anyone my due date. this really only served to piss off my friends and family, who i now realize would have been nothing but excited and supportive...and it still hasn't helped to ward off the rude and nosy strangers! sometimes when strangers ask when i'm due, i'll try the sarcastic "not soon enough!" response, hoping that will appease their curiosity...but it's amazing to me how some people still absolutely INSIST that you tell them an actual date!! do you know how small the percentage is of women who actually have their babies on their due date??? it's a completely arbitrary day to me, so much so that most days i honestly even forget what it is! but...since i've realized most people have pretty much figured it out by now anyway, i'm going to tell you what it is. ready?? my due date is june 4th. there, i said it. now, that being said, i still want you to forget the date i just told you, stop reading this wherever you are, and start sending prayers/thoughts/vibes/whatever that i will have this baby TODAY because i can almost guarantee that if i'm still pregnant on june 4th, i will be an absolute MONSTER and should not be held accountable for anything i might say, do, or think from that day forward.

the calm before the storm??

as previously stated, last week was a hectic one for me. my contractions were frequent and i was basically just a big pile of pregnancy complaints for most of the week. this week, however, has significantly slowed down. i hardly had any contractions throughout the weekend (despite some semi-legitimate attempts to bring them on) and in general, i just feel pretty good right now. REALLY BIG, but good. :-)

this week, the main focus is now on my energy levels. let's see...friday night, i fell asleep on the couch around 8:30, woke up long enough to move to the bed around 11ish, and then kept right on sleeping until 9AM the next morning! we went out for hot wings saturday for lunch, in a small attempt to see what all the fuss about eating "spicy foods" would do for my contractions (answer: they did SQUAT!!!). then we took a long walk down to the art museum later that afternoon and i dutifully climbed the front steps in an effort to walk this baby out! :-) the walk home was much less comfortable, but i still made it in one piece! oh, then tyler convinced me that we needed to see Iron Man 2 as our "last movie out" before the little guy comes. (although, if he decides to wait another week and a half, MY "last movie out" will definitely be Sex and the City 2.)

on sunday, i woke up with an incredible urge to bake and freeze 4 dozen muffins. i had planned on laying around and watching movies the rest of the afternoon, but all of a sudden my plans changed when i realized i HAD to make a baby quilt RIGHT NOW!!! i worked on the quilt for most of the afternoon and evening and it looks pretty darn good if i do say so myself. haven't gotten around to putting the back on it yet...my energy was pretty much depleted by the time the Desperate Housewives finale came on sunday night (how convenient!). :-)

and well, ever since then i've been sleeping really deeply through the nights (a total godsend after the past few months of crappy sleep!) and having some really intense dreams. no baby dreams lately though...mostly just about all my favorite shows' season finale plots (i'm so lame!) that are airing this week.

and so, the waiting game continues.

the joys of false labor

it started around 4 pm yesterday and lasted until around 7ish (or 9ish...the signs aren't nearly as clear as i always expected them to be). from 4-5 i had some rhythmic, semi painful contractions, but they weren't consistent (5 min apart, then 4 min apart, then 7 min apart, etc.) and each one only lasted a few seconds each. from 5-6 i was distracted by work-related things so i guess they settled down a bit. then walking to my car at 6 started them back up again...only this time they weren't as painful or time-able. by 7ish, my stomach was just really tight all over, as if i was having one really looooong contraction. but then by 9, my whole body just stopped and said "Just kidding, you're not getting anything out of this tonight" and i fell fast asleep by a little after 10. hmph...and so it begins. i've heard that these types of false alarms can go on for weeks. i'm hoping they'll at least be a little bit productive for me in the dilating/effacing realm, but who knows? this morning has been more of the same vague, tight stomach kinds of feelings. it's beginning to get a lot harder to know how to respond when someone asks "How are you feeling?" quite frankly, i have no clue how i'm feeling! it can change so quickly from one second to the next. mostly, i just answer with "I'm feeling very pregnant!" and that seems to appease people pretty well.

ticking time bomb

this morning before my alarm went off, marley climbed up on my belly and refused to get off. i have a feeling she's probably going to know i'm in labor before i even figure it out!

at 36 weeks now, the thought has occurred to me that either way, even if i go past my due date, we are going to be new parents in the next 6 weeks. sure, this should be very obvious at this point, but it still feels very surreal. i've never been good at finishing things. crafts often sit around the house half done, about most of the books of my bookshelf have bookmarks still in them at various points...so it came as no surprise that i felt ready to be done with this pregnancy about 10 weeks ago!! however, the closer we get, the more it continues to sink in. people are wishing me happy mother's day already! who, me???

anyway, my to do list now consists of lots of resting and trying to soak up as much sleep, freedom, and reality television as possible. sure, there are still things we should get done before this baby comes...but the really important stuff is finished and i've run out of energy to keep caring about the rest. it's been an especially exhausting week at work this past week, tyler has to finish up the rest of his class work for the semester, and we are both just feeling ready to spend time meeting this baby we've been working so hard to make and support!

boundaries

three big things we have scratched off our to-do list this week:
-pick pediatrician
-pay deposit for daycare (to be started after my 12 weeks at home)
-completed our childbirth class

newly added to the list:
-pack hospital bag! (eek!!!!)

i've been thinking a lot this week about visitors after the baby comes and what kinds of boundaries i might need to set in order to maintain my sanity those first few weeks. (prompted by this post on my favorite design blog, ohdeedoh.com) after all these years, most people STILL don't believe me, but i really am a very serious introvert at heart and major social functions leave me feeling tense and drained of all energy. add to that the lack of sleep and overall funk that i keep hearing about for the first few weeks after the baby is born, and the thought of entertaining...and cleaning up after...house guests just leaves me feeling a little anxious. don't get me wrong, i'm VERY excited to introduce our little guy to all our friends and family and i know i'll feel very proud to show him off to everyone we know! but the thought of tyler and i just holing up in the house in our pjs and cuddling with the baby completely uninterrupted that first week just sounds so divine to me right now...especially considering the fact that i'll still be working right up to the time i go into labor. call me selfish, but after all this effort i've put into making this baby these past 9 months, i secretly just want to hoard him all to myself when he arrives! we have the rest of our lives to share him with everyone else!

also, i'm pretty sure that neither man nor beast will be able to pry me away from my bed each time our little man takes a nap. the #1 thing i'm looking forward to the most is being able to SLEEP ON MY BACK again!!!!!