i had no idea feeding a baby would be such hard work!! the past two and a half weeks have been exhausting, both physically and emotionally. of course, everyone warned me it would be...but the ups and downs of being a new parent is apparently one of those things you just have to learn the hard way.
it all started on day one, when theo first tried to nurse. he had an incredibly strong "chomping" latch, which badly bruised my left nipple and only woke for 2 feedings that first 24 hours. i wish someone had gotten more suspicious about this before we left the birth center, but alas, we didn't know any better.
on day 2, when he still wasn't waking for feedings or latching very well, i looked in his mouth and realized that he was tongue-tied. luckily, we had the number for a lactation consultant and got an appointment later that week to get it evaluated and clipped.
days 3-7 are a blur. his bilirubin level went up high enough that we had to go to the hospital, and after 11 hours under the bili lights and a full night of formula feeding (which i was FURIOUS about), he was much much better. also, he got his tongue-tie clipped and we had to learn how to latch all over again. because of this, he wasn't eating enough and didn't gain enough weight in the first week.
days 7-14 - focus on fattening him up. 3 lactation consultation visits later, i am now offering the breast first, then supplementing with expressed breastmilk for every feeding. it SUCKS. pumping hurts more than that first terrible latch, it's boring (but a MAJOR shoutout to my wonderful husband for going out to buy me a pumping bra so i can have both hands free during these 20 minute pumping sessions and for renting a hospital grade pump all by himself!), and it really limits my ability to "sleep when the baby's sleeping" since i am basically a human milk machine at this point. pumping is not only helping him get the extra food he needs, but it's also working to increase my milk supply as well (which fell off when he wasn't eating well those first few days). but still. it sucks.
oh, also somewhere in there he had to get his tongue-tie clipped AGAIN because it had started healing up wrong and was interferring with his latch still. insert MORE re-learning how to latch work.
yesterday (day 16) - stayed up all night fussing and screaming. i think it might have been the broccoli i ate for dinner, since he also fussed a few nights last week when i had salad for dinner. guess this means no more green veggies for dinner anymore. luckily, we were both able to sleep for most of the day to make up for the craziness of this night. hoping this doesn't become a pattern.
today (day 17) - he has gained enough of his birth weight back that the pediatrician is no longer as worried about him. however, we still have to pump until his latch gets good enough that he can transfer all the milk i have to offer. and my supply still isn't where it should be either. i've started taking the herbs fenugreek and blessed thistle to help increase my milk supply. i take it in this tincture form that is also 50% grain alcohol, so it basically feels like taking a shot of whiskey 3 times a day. not fun, but hopefully it'll help. also, since my internal clock is a lot less flexible than his, i am still awake at 2:15 AM while he is fast asleep. guess i can't win either way.
i've heard this gets easier as time goes on.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
birth day
to simplify things, i'm going to tell you our birth story in timeline form. otherwise, i might never get this thing typed!!
6/3/10
4:30 PM - started the usual nightly contractions, about 5 min apart, lasting one min long for several hours. the birth center's orders were to call when they were 4 min apart, lasting one min long, for at least one hour.
bedtime - still having contractions, getting more intense but not consistently close enough to call the birth center.
6/4/10
9 AM - rough night. slept between contractions, but not through them. no progress, very tired. called the birth center, decided to go in early for our 40 wk appt that day.
11 AM - birth center appt. finally got my cervix checked, VERY frustrated to learn that although i was 100% effaced, i was still only 1 cm dilated. sent home with a prescription for ambien to get some rest before active labor, was told i would probably have my baby in the next day or two.
2:30 PM - ambien helped me to sleep for maybe an hour or two, but still felt every contraction and they were still getting worse. feeling EXHAUSTED.
3 PM - called friend rose to find a recommendation for a free doula.
4 PM - doula identified, on her way. i got in the bath, it didn't help.
4:30 PM - introduced myself to our doula, a complete stranger prior to this experience, entirely in the nude. didn't care; contractions HURT!
4:30-7ish PM - tried various comfort measures and deep breathing...got through them okay. no longer feeling as frustrated about all the previous false alarms but ready for this to be pronounced as REAL.
7 PM - called the birth center, was told to wait another hour till they were under 4 min apart.
7:30 PM - i pronounced that it was TIME TO LEAVE. the birth center responded by saying "okay". used my hypnobirthing tape in the car for the 40 min ride and it helped.
8:10 PM - arrived at birth center. cervix check: 5 cm. midwife made a guess that we would have our baby first thing the next morning, when the birds started chirping outside. i insisted it would be sooner than that.
8:10 - midnight - active labor. lots of fanning me off, cold washcloths, trying comfortable positions, deep breathing. got in the jacuzzi for a bit, but didn't like the jets turned on. the water felt great, but couldn't find a comfortable position to sit for very long. also had to get an IV because i wasn't staying hydrated enough. disappointed, but took it like a champ.
6/5/10
12:30ish - cervix check. 7 cm. IS THAT ALL??? ugh.
12:30 - 2:30 AM - more active labor. let the moaning begin. i had no idea i would be so...primal...during labor. i was just like all of those women you see in the birth videos groaning through every contraction and i totally didn't care. tyler later compared the sounds to "being in a haunted house".
2:30 AM - another cervix check. STILL 7 cm. almost started to cry, i was so frustrated. OMG. midwife gave us two options. 1) transfer to the hospital to get pitocin. 2) break my water and take some stadol to help me get through transition. reassess in 2 hours, once the stadol wears off. we opted for option #2. broke the water, found some bits of meconium. momentary scare, thought we'd still have to go to the hospital. but they decided it was only a few small clumps and not enough to warrant a transfer. if he came out and wasn't active and fussy, they'd have to take immediate measures.
3:30 AM - contractions were 30 sec apart. the stadol made me just trippy enough that i remember starting out having some random short dream and then through each contraction i just kept thinking to myself "just let me get through this one so i can get back to that dream!" continue lots of scary moaning and out of body levels of intensity. cervix check: 10 cm. holy crap, i just dilated 3 cm in ONE HOUR!!!
3:50 AM - i started feeling the urge to push. midwife told me to listen to my body but that she wouldn't start coaching me through pushing until 4:30, once the stadol wore off. i remember feeling frustrated that i couldn't get down on the floor to squat it out like i'd hoped i would. because of the stadol, they made me stay in the bed. i was on my side, with one leg up on a birth ball. i started pushing anyway, because how the heck are you supposed to stop something like that?? i later compared this feeling to "needing to throw up, but at the other end". there's just no stopping it.
4:20ish - midwife started coaching me through pushing. i was so focused at this point, i couldn't open my eyes and i really wasn't aware of anything outside of my own body. whenever anyone started talking too much, i could only say "shhhh!" i didn't have time to think about the "ring of fire", because i was so focused on just getting this whole thing over with. at various points, things got so intense that i swear i didn't even care if my baby was born JUST GET HIM OUT OF ME!!! of course, this feeling immediately wore off once the midwife told me to feel down at my crotch to feel his head crowning. wow, there's a real person coming out of me!!! utter excitement and new motivation to keep going.
5:03 AM - wow, so that's what a head feels like coming out of you. the rest of the body easily slipped out. theo was placed on my chest and i was in love. tyler cut the cord, i got 3 stitches. nothing else mattered besides this new little man in my life (7 lbs 15 oz, 20.5 inches long). begin: parenthood.
6/3/10
4:30 PM - started the usual nightly contractions, about 5 min apart, lasting one min long for several hours. the birth center's orders were to call when they were 4 min apart, lasting one min long, for at least one hour.
bedtime - still having contractions, getting more intense but not consistently close enough to call the birth center.
6/4/10
9 AM - rough night. slept between contractions, but not through them. no progress, very tired. called the birth center, decided to go in early for our 40 wk appt that day.
11 AM - birth center appt. finally got my cervix checked, VERY frustrated to learn that although i was 100% effaced, i was still only 1 cm dilated. sent home with a prescription for ambien to get some rest before active labor, was told i would probably have my baby in the next day or two.
2:30 PM - ambien helped me to sleep for maybe an hour or two, but still felt every contraction and they were still getting worse. feeling EXHAUSTED.
3 PM - called friend rose to find a recommendation for a free doula.
4 PM - doula identified, on her way. i got in the bath, it didn't help.
4:30 PM - introduced myself to our doula, a complete stranger prior to this experience, entirely in the nude. didn't care; contractions HURT!
4:30-7ish PM - tried various comfort measures and deep breathing...got through them okay. no longer feeling as frustrated about all the previous false alarms but ready for this to be pronounced as REAL.
7 PM - called the birth center, was told to wait another hour till they were under 4 min apart.
7:30 PM - i pronounced that it was TIME TO LEAVE. the birth center responded by saying "okay". used my hypnobirthing tape in the car for the 40 min ride and it helped.
8:10 PM - arrived at birth center. cervix check: 5 cm. midwife made a guess that we would have our baby first thing the next morning, when the birds started chirping outside. i insisted it would be sooner than that.
8:10 - midnight - active labor. lots of fanning me off, cold washcloths, trying comfortable positions, deep breathing. got in the jacuzzi for a bit, but didn't like the jets turned on. the water felt great, but couldn't find a comfortable position to sit for very long. also had to get an IV because i wasn't staying hydrated enough. disappointed, but took it like a champ.
6/5/10
12:30ish - cervix check. 7 cm. IS THAT ALL??? ugh.
12:30 - 2:30 AM - more active labor. let the moaning begin. i had no idea i would be so...primal...during labor. i was just like all of those women you see in the birth videos groaning through every contraction and i totally didn't care. tyler later compared the sounds to "being in a haunted house".
2:30 AM - another cervix check. STILL 7 cm. almost started to cry, i was so frustrated. OMG. midwife gave us two options. 1) transfer to the hospital to get pitocin. 2) break my water and take some stadol to help me get through transition. reassess in 2 hours, once the stadol wears off. we opted for option #2. broke the water, found some bits of meconium. momentary scare, thought we'd still have to go to the hospital. but they decided it was only a few small clumps and not enough to warrant a transfer. if he came out and wasn't active and fussy, they'd have to take immediate measures.
3:30 AM - contractions were 30 sec apart. the stadol made me just trippy enough that i remember starting out having some random short dream and then through each contraction i just kept thinking to myself "just let me get through this one so i can get back to that dream!" continue lots of scary moaning and out of body levels of intensity. cervix check: 10 cm. holy crap, i just dilated 3 cm in ONE HOUR!!!
3:50 AM - i started feeling the urge to push. midwife told me to listen to my body but that she wouldn't start coaching me through pushing until 4:30, once the stadol wore off. i remember feeling frustrated that i couldn't get down on the floor to squat it out like i'd hoped i would. because of the stadol, they made me stay in the bed. i was on my side, with one leg up on a birth ball. i started pushing anyway, because how the heck are you supposed to stop something like that?? i later compared this feeling to "needing to throw up, but at the other end". there's just no stopping it.
4:20ish - midwife started coaching me through pushing. i was so focused at this point, i couldn't open my eyes and i really wasn't aware of anything outside of my own body. whenever anyone started talking too much, i could only say "shhhh!" i didn't have time to think about the "ring of fire", because i was so focused on just getting this whole thing over with. at various points, things got so intense that i swear i didn't even care if my baby was born JUST GET HIM OUT OF ME!!! of course, this feeling immediately wore off once the midwife told me to feel down at my crotch to feel his head crowning. wow, there's a real person coming out of me!!! utter excitement and new motivation to keep going.
5:03 AM - wow, so that's what a head feels like coming out of you. the rest of the body easily slipped out. theo was placed on my chest and i was in love. tyler cut the cord, i got 3 stitches. nothing else mattered besides this new little man in my life (7 lbs 15 oz, 20.5 inches long). begin: parenthood.
Monday, May 31, 2010
we're having our first fight.
yes, i am currently feeling angry at my unborn son. see, the problem is, he sees himself as completely comfortable in my belly and i disagree. my abs hurt from all the contractions (every single night) this past week, i'm frustrated that i missed out on a lot of fun things this holiday weekend so we could stay close to home "just in case", and i'm starting to feel like he just might prove everyone wrong and decide to never come out. i've found myself wondering what the world record is for "longest labor".
my friend haley mentioned the other day that she thinks a baby's labor can usually be linked to their personality later on in life. it made perfect sense to me...i was born 3-4 weeks early and i am incredibly impatient! what worries me is that this perfectly content baby boy is going to grow up to frustrate his impatient mother time and time again (not unlike his father, who is also one of the most easygoing people i've ever known!).
our health insurance is changing as of june 1, which is also making me anxious. i don't think it's going to change very much...but we all know how fun it is to receive surprise insurance bills weeks after having some kind of medical procedure! it just would have been so much easier if he'd been born today or earlier. but that doesn't look like it's in the cards right now. i've been doing all the "natural induction" methods...pineapple, spicy foods, walking...you name it, we've done it! the problem isn't that i can't get contractions to start...the problem is KEEPING THEM GOING!!
anyway, my complete state of grumpiness is now turning me into a recluse. don't be surprised if you e-mail, call, or text me and i don't respond. i just don't see the point in turning my wrath on some innocent, curious friend or bystander for now.
the answers to your questions are:
yes, i'm still pregnant
no, i'm not feeling comfortable
yes, we're very READY for this baby to be born!
no, i don't know if i'm dilated or effaced
yes, i'm still having contractions
no, there's nothing we can do to help speed this thing along to accommodate your busy schedule
now, if you're not here to bring me watermelon or some other delicious treat, you can be on your way.
my friend haley mentioned the other day that she thinks a baby's labor can usually be linked to their personality later on in life. it made perfect sense to me...i was born 3-4 weeks early and i am incredibly impatient! what worries me is that this perfectly content baby boy is going to grow up to frustrate his impatient mother time and time again (not unlike his father, who is also one of the most easygoing people i've ever known!).
our health insurance is changing as of june 1, which is also making me anxious. i don't think it's going to change very much...but we all know how fun it is to receive surprise insurance bills weeks after having some kind of medical procedure! it just would have been so much easier if he'd been born today or earlier. but that doesn't look like it's in the cards right now. i've been doing all the "natural induction" methods...pineapple, spicy foods, walking...you name it, we've done it! the problem isn't that i can't get contractions to start...the problem is KEEPING THEM GOING!!
anyway, my complete state of grumpiness is now turning me into a recluse. don't be surprised if you e-mail, call, or text me and i don't respond. i just don't see the point in turning my wrath on some innocent, curious friend or bystander for now.
the answers to your questions are:
yes, i'm still pregnant
no, i'm not feeling comfortable
yes, we're very READY for this baby to be born!
no, i don't know if i'm dilated or effaced
yes, i'm still having contractions
no, there's nothing we can do to help speed this thing along to accommodate your busy schedule
now, if you're not here to bring me watermelon or some other delicious treat, you can be on your way.
Friday, May 28, 2010
39 weeks today!
still contracting. i'm basically always having contractions at this point, so no need to ask. i'm just one big, walking braxton hicks contraction.
thank you rachel for sharing this link with me. i think it sounds wonderful! really takes the weight off a new parents' shoulders when i'm sure our minds will be fuzzy and we won't really know what to ask for in those first few days. my personal favorites are the ones about cleaning out the fridge and emptying all the trash cans in the house. so practical!!
http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=34
also, i've got a chiropractic appointment scheduled for this evening, right after our 39 week check-up. i'm hoping some alignment support will help this little guy get in the right position for labor (not to mention help me sleep a little better at night with the mile-wide hips i've got going on right now!).
maybe we'll go to the zoo tomorrow for a nice, long walk?? i'm hoping the extra birthing hormones in the air from the animals will give this little guy the hint. ;-)
thank you rachel for sharing this link with me. i think it sounds wonderful! really takes the weight off a new parents' shoulders when i'm sure our minds will be fuzzy and we won't really know what to ask for in those first few days. my personal favorites are the ones about cleaning out the fridge and emptying all the trash cans in the house. so practical!!
http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=34
also, i've got a chiropractic appointment scheduled for this evening, right after our 39 week check-up. i'm hoping some alignment support will help this little guy get in the right position for labor (not to mention help me sleep a little better at night with the mile-wide hips i've got going on right now!).
maybe we'll go to the zoo tomorrow for a nice, long walk?? i'm hoping the extra birthing hormones in the air from the animals will give this little guy the hint. ;-)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
prep work
it's been called to my attention recently that this is the path i've chosen by wanting to go completely natural and med-free with my labor. i realized that after all of these false alarms this past week, i'm pretty sure if i was being treated in a hospital setting, they would have hooked me up to different types of monitors, realized i was in pre-labor, and then convinced me to just induce and get the whole thing over with by now. which...might not be a problem in many of your eyes, but it's just not the path i've chosen with this little guy. as frustrating as it is that my midwives don't check my cervix for dilation/effacement...and as inconvenient as it's been to already have packed my bags and mentally prepared to have my baby TODAY only to be let down on more than one occasion...and as much as my abs hurt all the time now from all of these constant contractions...it's still worth it in my mind. call me crazy, but i'm really looking to letting my body do its thing when the big day arrives. and i'm also grateful that in the meantime, my body is working well enough that it's doing all this prep work ahead of time...hopefully that means labor will be slightly easier/shorter on the actual day! at least, that's what i'm now telling myself. :-)
that being said, i officially started my maternity leave yesterday. it wasn't what i'd planned to do, but i realized that the stress and anxiety of juggling all of these contractions with my job was just getting to be too much. so here i am...day one of staying at home. i really do mean to be productive with this time off. but it's also soooo tempting to just sit around and watch movies all day until our little guy arrives! hopefully i'll be able to find a good balance of relaxation and productivity. and i hope even MORE that this little boy decides to make his grand entrance into the world very soon!!!
that being said, i officially started my maternity leave yesterday. it wasn't what i'd planned to do, but i realized that the stress and anxiety of juggling all of these contractions with my job was just getting to be too much. so here i am...day one of staying at home. i really do mean to be productive with this time off. but it's also soooo tempting to just sit around and watch movies all day until our little guy arrives! hopefully i'll be able to find a good balance of relaxation and productivity. and i hope even MORE that this little boy decides to make his grand entrance into the world very soon!!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
nothing's bruised except my ego
another day of false labor yesterday. and yes, i know you're not "supposed" to call it "false labor" because it's still getting your body ready for labor so it's still productive and blah blah blah. but in my opinion, "false labor" gets taken more seriously than "practice contractions" and so that's what i'm calling it.
anyway, don't worry, i'm still completely comfortable physically (unfortunately). this is something i didn't really understand about pregnancy before. physically, at least for me, it really hasn't been all that uncomfortable at all. i mean, yeah, rolling over in bed is a major pain and bending over has now turned into the ever-so-ladylike squatting down. there are a million little things to complain about. but what i've realized though, is that the most uncomfortable part of pregnancy is the emotional part.
i've always been a worrier by nature, so the hardest part for me throughout this pregnancy has been the anxiety. every step of the way, i've imagined the worst...when really, i've probably had one of the most normal, healthy, relatively comfortable pregnancies imaginable! but the emotional roller coaster of "what if's" have toyed with my emotions one too many times. first it was the "will we be able to conceive?" question, then the morning sickness, then the constant worries about miscarriage, then trying to keep my growing belly hidden from my clients at work, then the anatomy ultrasound, then the blood sugar and the weight gain, then the risks of pre-term labor, then the group B strep test, and now WHEN WILL MY BABY BE BORN?!?! and you know what? this baby has been so healthy and completely NORMAL this whole pregnancy, i'm seriously starting to wonder if he's just going to keep being a tease for the next week or so and then miraculously appear on his actual due date!
i'm tired of getting my hopes up, waking up with contractions and thinking "this is the day my son will be born!" it's emotionally exhausting, and each time it doesn't actually happen it just makes me feel more and more frustrated. i've been nesting and contracting and falsely getting my hopes up for over 3 weeks now and i feel drained. not to mention, i also feel more and more foolish each time i have to slink back to work to tell everyone "false alarm! no baby yet!" you'd think the veteran moms there would be more supportive and understanding, but instead i just get the "knowing" glances that make me feel completely patronized and idiotic. you know the look..."oh, bless her heart...she thought those were REAL contractions! just wait till she's actually in labor, we'll see how her 'natural labor' goes then!" why are women so darned competitive??!?! well, i guess that's another rant for another day. but anyway, i'm tired. completely physically capable to keep working and going about my normal day, but just feeling so emotionally drained. and i know none of this is going to get any easier once this little boy is born, because there will ALWAYS be things to worry about and there will ALWAYS be other moms to make me feel like an idiot.
but still. i want my baby out and i want him out now. that is all.
anyway, don't worry, i'm still completely comfortable physically (unfortunately). this is something i didn't really understand about pregnancy before. physically, at least for me, it really hasn't been all that uncomfortable at all. i mean, yeah, rolling over in bed is a major pain and bending over has now turned into the ever-so-ladylike squatting down. there are a million little things to complain about. but what i've realized though, is that the most uncomfortable part of pregnancy is the emotional part.
i've always been a worrier by nature, so the hardest part for me throughout this pregnancy has been the anxiety. every step of the way, i've imagined the worst...when really, i've probably had one of the most normal, healthy, relatively comfortable pregnancies imaginable! but the emotional roller coaster of "what if's" have toyed with my emotions one too many times. first it was the "will we be able to conceive?" question, then the morning sickness, then the constant worries about miscarriage, then trying to keep my growing belly hidden from my clients at work, then the anatomy ultrasound, then the blood sugar and the weight gain, then the risks of pre-term labor, then the group B strep test, and now WHEN WILL MY BABY BE BORN?!?! and you know what? this baby has been so healthy and completely NORMAL this whole pregnancy, i'm seriously starting to wonder if he's just going to keep being a tease for the next week or so and then miraculously appear on his actual due date!
i'm tired of getting my hopes up, waking up with contractions and thinking "this is the day my son will be born!" it's emotionally exhausting, and each time it doesn't actually happen it just makes me feel more and more frustrated. i've been nesting and contracting and falsely getting my hopes up for over 3 weeks now and i feel drained. not to mention, i also feel more and more foolish each time i have to slink back to work to tell everyone "false alarm! no baby yet!" you'd think the veteran moms there would be more supportive and understanding, but instead i just get the "knowing" glances that make me feel completely patronized and idiotic. you know the look..."oh, bless her heart...she thought those were REAL contractions! just wait till she's actually in labor, we'll see how her 'natural labor' goes then!" why are women so darned competitive??!?! well, i guess that's another rant for another day. but anyway, i'm tired. completely physically capable to keep working and going about my normal day, but just feeling so emotionally drained. and i know none of this is going to get any easier once this little boy is born, because there will ALWAYS be things to worry about and there will ALWAYS be other moms to make me feel like an idiot.
but still. i want my baby out and i want him out now. that is all.
Friday, May 21, 2010
pregnancy used to be fun
38 weeks -
ugh, i just need to vent today. i've been having pretty consistent cramping (like the feeling before you get your period) since yesterday around 2 PM. at 5:30, i had a sudden extreme bout of restlessness so tyler and i took a nice, quick-paced walk around the neighborhood (i haven't walked that fast since before i got pregnant!). hoping it would bring on some actual contractions, i also bounced on my birth ball for about an hour or so (which caused some definite pain, but still no contractions). i went to bed feeling like maybe the baby had dropped a little lower. but other than that, no real signs of progress yet...just lots of cramps and general discomfort.
and the moodiness!!!! i'm extremely tired today and i just don't feel like being around people one bit. i'm tired of these stupid maternity clothes (and the heat isn't making it any easier), i'm tired of the constant guessing game (will this sudden pain lead to full-blown contractions?), and i'm tired of the rude and ridiculous comments i get from total strangers (either "wow, you're about to pop!" or "oh, you've still got a while left"), none of which have been helping me feel any more patient or relaxed about this baby's timing! i've had people tell me not to let my water break on them (um, like i have a choice?) and i'm absolutely LOVING the "you're STILL pregnant?!" comments! in the beginning of this pregnancy, i thought things might be a little easier at the end if i just didn't tell anyone my due date. this really only served to piss off my friends and family, who i now realize would have been nothing but excited and supportive...and it still hasn't helped to ward off the rude and nosy strangers! sometimes when strangers ask when i'm due, i'll try the sarcastic "not soon enough!" response, hoping that will appease their curiosity...but it's amazing to me how some people still absolutely INSIST that you tell them an actual date!! do you know how small the percentage is of women who actually have their babies on their due date??? it's a completely arbitrary day to me, so much so that most days i honestly even forget what it is! but...since i've realized most people have pretty much figured it out by now anyway, i'm going to tell you what it is. ready?? my due date is june 4th. there, i said it. now, that being said, i still want you to forget the date i just told you, stop reading this wherever you are, and start sending prayers/thoughts/vibes/whatever that i will have this baby TODAY because i can almost guarantee that if i'm still pregnant on june 4th, i will be an absolute MONSTER and should not be held accountable for anything i might say, do, or think from that day forward.
ugh, i just need to vent today. i've been having pretty consistent cramping (like the feeling before you get your period) since yesterday around 2 PM. at 5:30, i had a sudden extreme bout of restlessness so tyler and i took a nice, quick-paced walk around the neighborhood (i haven't walked that fast since before i got pregnant!). hoping it would bring on some actual contractions, i also bounced on my birth ball for about an hour or so (which caused some definite pain, but still no contractions). i went to bed feeling like maybe the baby had dropped a little lower. but other than that, no real signs of progress yet...just lots of cramps and general discomfort.
and the moodiness!!!! i'm extremely tired today and i just don't feel like being around people one bit. i'm tired of these stupid maternity clothes (and the heat isn't making it any easier), i'm tired of the constant guessing game (will this sudden pain lead to full-blown contractions?), and i'm tired of the rude and ridiculous comments i get from total strangers (either "wow, you're about to pop!" or "oh, you've still got a while left"), none of which have been helping me feel any more patient or relaxed about this baby's timing! i've had people tell me not to let my water break on them (um, like i have a choice?) and i'm absolutely LOVING the "you're STILL pregnant?!" comments! in the beginning of this pregnancy, i thought things might be a little easier at the end if i just didn't tell anyone my due date. this really only served to piss off my friends and family, who i now realize would have been nothing but excited and supportive...and it still hasn't helped to ward off the rude and nosy strangers! sometimes when strangers ask when i'm due, i'll try the sarcastic "not soon enough!" response, hoping that will appease their curiosity...but it's amazing to me how some people still absolutely INSIST that you tell them an actual date!! do you know how small the percentage is of women who actually have their babies on their due date??? it's a completely arbitrary day to me, so much so that most days i honestly even forget what it is! but...since i've realized most people have pretty much figured it out by now anyway, i'm going to tell you what it is. ready?? my due date is june 4th. there, i said it. now, that being said, i still want you to forget the date i just told you, stop reading this wherever you are, and start sending prayers/thoughts/vibes/whatever that i will have this baby TODAY because i can almost guarantee that if i'm still pregnant on june 4th, i will be an absolute MONSTER and should not be held accountable for anything i might say, do, or think from that day forward.
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